Topic:   Giving to people who abuse or take advantage of you.

Ask the Author: Question and Response
 

I am constantly giving to people who are lonely, afraid, mean, worse off financially and need help. But for years, I have experienced the ones I give money to break in and steal more; the one's I help with loneliness (bring them to events, introduce them to others) then take advantage, wear me out. You wrote when “you experience loneliness, give to someone lonely. Give love when you are not experiencing it.” If you are truly giving and giving, isn't there something that I am doing wrong for this to be happening so often? When you are kind to someone who is mean and then they become violent and then they harass and stalk you, and you give more kindness and they become dangerous (think Amber Frey and Scott Peterson). How can I keep helping these souls that cry and need love so much without physically getting hurt? Turning away and ignoring their calls even as I pray for them, to keep hearing their anguish seems so cruel to ignore. Constantly, I pray and thank God for the gift that he has sent. I acknowledge that there is a lesson. I know God does not tell us to unlock our doors and let others in to harm us, but when they are so desperately needing help and they keep calling and calling, begging for a friendship then as soon as you try again, it becomes physically dangerous. It does seem that I must be dong something wrong. 

- Sara, Florida, USA

You write “How can I keep helping these souls that cry and need love so much…turning away and ignoring their calls…seems so cruel to ignore.” A lot of times, spiritually developed individuals have an easier time hearing other people’s calls for love and healing than they do hearing their own.

Before you go out of your house, regardless of where you’re headed, do you not take at least a quick glance in the mirror to make sure you look okay? Would you not find it wise to first look within and try to understand why you keep bringing into your life such destructive patterns and personalities? Have you not cried over these issues? Are you yourself not seeking a lesser amount of stress and a greater sense of love in your life? Do you not find it cruel to ignore your own calls for healing and greater self-love? 

What you are currently experiencing in your life is the result of what you are choosing to experience. The people that you have in your life are the people you have allowed into and are allowing into your life. Regardless of the form of the physical relationships, they are as they are because you are supporting their form and continuation. The people you are interacting with, on some level, are the people who mirror the thoughts in your mind. They are the physical manifestations of the unconscious blocks within your mind to the awareness of love’s presence. They appear in your life, and you seek them and are unconsciously attracted to them, because they have some lessons for you that you believe only they can teach. They are in your life because you are trying to tell yourself something. They are the closest physical manifestation that you can come up with to tell and remind yourself of what that something is. Sometimes you need a gentle tug to remind you of something. Sometimes you need more than a gentle tug. Yet the choice of the firmness of the tugs is yours to make, your free will. 

Okay, that being said, lets take a look at these personalities and patterns that you are choosing to experience. I ask you to first look at yourself, how self-loving are you? Ask yourself how self-loving is it to bring people who “steal”… “take advantage” … “wear me out" … "are violent" … “harass and stalk me"… “become dangerous?”  If you heard this description of someone, would you say that this person is self-loving? If you heard this description of someone, would you say that this person probably suffers, cries, stresses out, lives in fear and needs love? How can an individual who lacks self-love truly “keep helping these souls that cry and need love so much.” My dear friend, listen to what it is you are telling yourself. 

And so my dear friend, work first on healing yourself; work on your foundation. Once the foundation is solid, you will be able to build something much greater than you have ever thought possible, and you will be able to heal many more than you have ever imagined. Because of your past experience, you will be able to guide and assist all those people who will one day travel the same road you now journey. You will look at your past and thank it, and thank those who participated in it, because without them, you could not as completely and competently guide those who will one day search for you.

Yes, my dear friend, there are many people, most whom you do not yet know, who are awaiting your development, who are awaiting your advice and awakening. As you awaken, you will begin to attract those who are also on their journey to awakening. By healing your hurts and wounds, you will no longer seek to consciously or unconsciously attract those who are looking to hurt and wound you, but those who are looking to heal themselves.

So how do you start looking into the mirror, understanding your hurt and wounds, and working on developing more self-love? Start by seeking professional help, a good therapist, someone professionally trained to listen and pay attention. There is not a person on this planet, including myself, who can not grow and prosper from such a relationship. My friend, choose no longer to turn away and ignore your own tears and calls for self-love and healing. Continue to pray, meditate and read books that help build up your self-esteem. For now, keep money and your personal relationships separate. If you still desire to give money, give money to a large, well established foundation where you know it will go to a good cause, but where there is no physical relationship involvement or attachment.

You mentioned “I know God does not tell us to unlock our doors and let others in to hurt us, but…” As you continue to develop self-love, one of the tools you will develop are proper boundaries. This will be the beginning of the end of your “buts.” You will love and respect yourself enough not to open the door to someone you know has the capacity to “become physically dangerous.” Even if such an individual is “desperately seeking help” and “begging for a friendship,” next time he comes knocking, you will no longer open the door. You will now very lovingly slip under the door the phone numbers of clinics that are trained to truly help him manage and control his self-hatred, anger and rage. If he still continues to knock, you will very lovingly call 911 and get the cops to show him the way to the clinic. If he still keeps on knocking, you will very lovingly seek a restraining order. If he continues to knock, you will very lovingly enforce the restraining order by calling the police every single time he break its boundaries. Finally, you will very respectfully and lovingly meet him in court and send him away to jail where he can have a little more time to think about the wisdom of going to the anger management clinic. But you will no longer have the need to open the door to such an individual. 
 

View larger images of front & back cover 
of the great spiritual / self development book You Have Chosen to Remember: A Journey from Perception to Knowledge, Peace of Mind and Joy by James Blanchard Cisneros.