Topics Include:

Forgiving spouse for abuse.
Recovering from sleeping pills.
Techniques for relaxation and falling asleep.
Simple breathing meditation to relax and fall asleep.
 

Ask the Author: Question and Response
 

I need to forgive my husband for two years of hell and abuse. I am not sure if I can find a way to love him freely. He is an atheist and I think that by going on a spiritual journey together we could find some peace. We have not slept properly without medication for over two years since the birth of my son and I had postnatal depression. The ins and outs of the story are complex and I am not sure how to deal with the hurt, anger and pain. Please help.

- Sara, Bath, England

My friend, not forgiving someone is actually a form of self-abuse. For doesn't the carrying of judgment in regards to your husband’s behavior weigh you down? Do those judgmental thoughts not try to spoil any moment of peace you try to catch? Do these judgments not add to the daily stresses? Does carrying these thoughts around not hasten your anger? During your day, does your patience not fade quicker, even with complete strangers? Do these judgments and your lack of forgiveness not keep you up at night? So, my friend, forgive your husband for his errors and you shall set yourself free. I understand that you might have some resistance to what I am saying. But my friend, who are you really punishing by holding on to these thoughts, judgments and resentments within your heart and mind? Also, please understand, I am in no way condoning his behavior, nor am I saying that the way he treats you should go on. I'm sure over the last couple of years you both have tried to discuss this situation, but not much has resulted from it. And so, later in my answer I ask you both to seriously seek counseling, a safe place where these issues can be discussed in front of a professional, who believe it or not has heard this type of story many times before. My dear friend, believe me when I say that you are far from alone. If your husband is unwilling to go, then I ask you to go to individual counseling. This will greatly strengthen your heart and mind. You might be scared to do so, and it may be difficult, but isn't the way you are now living even more scary and difficult? Through therapy, as your self-confidence is rebuilt, and as your heart and mind receive more clarity, you will more clearly see what stands between you and a happy, peaceful and joyful life.

My friend, do not allow the beginning of your spiritual journey to be impeded by who chooses to travel with you or by when they choose to join you. For my friend, knowingly or not, you are both already on a spiritual journey. Your spiritual journey began long, long ago, and it is only your awareness and realization of this that needs to catch up to the truth in you both.

As you become aware of your spiritual journey, your participation in it intensifies. And as your participation increases, so too will greater peace of mind and joy enhance your life. Imagine being on a tour bus and falling asleep. You sleep, yet the tour goes on. You might not be enjoying the tour as much as others who are awake, yet that does not mean that you are not participating in it. And understand this, you now sleep because you have chosen to, yet once you awaken you will have a lot more energy than you did before, and this will increase your participation in and enjoyment of the tour. As your participation and enjoyment grows, you will be better able to relate what happened and what you saw and experienced to those who still sleep. Your greater peace of mind and joy will serve as a reminder, and smooth the path for all those who will someday choose to awaken to their own journeys.

Your husband will someday begin to see a new skip in your step, lightness and aliveness around you, and you will serve as an example to him that what he truly desires is within reach. He will consciously or unconsciously be attracted and pulled towards understanding what it is you are doing to feel this way. And that will begin the realization of his own journey. You will find that the more you spiritually develop, the easier it will be for you to love and forgive him. And if he continues to choose not to grow, and not stop his abusive behavior, the easier it will be for you to move on without his physical presence.

Here in the states, we understand your addiction to sleeping pills. For two major addictions in this country are food and prescription drugs. You most probably started taking sleeping pills for one reason, and now continue them for another. Your psychological and chemical dependency needs to be seen and taken care of by a specialist in those fields. That being said, let me now say that you should not judge yourself for having this issue. Most people on this planet Band-Aid and medicate their pain and wounds with everything from illegal drugs to prescription pills to food, alcohol, work, the Internet, television, etc. But your pain and wounds will not heal by covering them over with a Band-Aid. As with any deep and life changing injury, to fully rehabilitate you need proper, dedicated, educated and knowledgeable professional advice. You need such a professional to help bring up and out all the hurt, pain and anger in a safe environment where it can be looked at, discussed, worked on, evaluated, understood, forgiven and finally released. I would hope that your husband chooses to join you. Yet if he does not, do not under any circumstance, use this as an excuse not to begin your own healing process.

It is rare that I use a phrase such as "do not under any circumstance," but I do so here to help save your son's future and life, and the future and lives of all the women he will one day come into contact with. Consciously and unconsciously your son, even at two to three years old, is learning how to treat women by the way your husband treats you. Don't for a second believe that because you are arguing in a different room that your son cannot hear or feel what is going on. My friend, if as a person you cannot find the strength to begin individual counseling, then look in the mirror, and as a mother of a young boy, find it. My friend, find the strength, for as much as it might now be hidden, it is still within you, in wait for you to rediscover it and bring it back to the surface. Your son will one day thank you and acknowledge your strength and courage, and so too will the many women who will some day have the pleasure of your son's friendship and companionship.

As with body parts, your psyche will be much stronger after the counseling and rehab then it was before. I have run most of my life, yet it was only after two left knee operations over 10 years that I was able to complete a marathon. Because of the procedures and rehabs I had to very seriously reconsider, go within and ask what I was doing to myself. I had to look into everything about my running, from style to form, to recovery time, to how and what I ate, to what I wore. I understood I had to look at everything and start from the beginning again, because what I had done in the past, even though I had at the time thought it was right, simply was not working for me. Now even though I run much fewer miles per week, I am actually in better running shape than ever before, and can now run further on any given day and recover faster than I ever did before the procedures. My friend, you might sometimes feel that you are as far from achieving a happy, peaceful and joyful life as I once was from completing a marathon from the operation table. It may appear as a far away dream, but it is within reach. I know this of you because I know this of myself, and you and I have a lot more in common than your ego may currently allow you to perceive. 

When it comes to the subject of actually relearning how to fall asleep without medication I can offer a couple of suggestions. Many people who have trouble falling asleep do so because while lying in bed continual thoughts flood their minds. Their minds become so focused on these thoughts moving in and out that they just can't relax and quiet the mind enough to fall asleep. Like a wrestling tag team one thought enters your mind, you deal with it in the best way you can. Then another one gets tagged into the ring of your mind, you deal with that one, then another one or even the previous one gets tagged back in again. That tag team keeps you in their corner so that you are not able to tag your partner, that partner being sleep, and get yourself out of the ring. You keep reaching out to your partner but you are too far to make the tag and so your opponents keep smacking you around, with you entombed in their corner, and feeling like there is no end in site.

A tool you may choose to use to get you out of their corner and tag your partner is meditation. Meditation doesn't so much, at least at first, quiet the mind, as it first refocuses it on less fear, stress-filled, and judgmental based thoughts and ideas. For example, you may be lying in bed trying to fall asleep and a thought such as what bills you have to pay tomorrow pop up. Try now replacing such a thought with a mantra (short phrase or word) such as "God is love." Simply breathe in "God is" and breathe out "love." Do this out loud first and after a while let it become a whisper and then just the thought of the words. Think as you breathe in "God is" and think as you breathe out "Love." Equally so, you may choose to begin this technique with breathing in just the thought "God is" and breathing out the thought "love." Continue this process for as long as you can. It is natural for other thoughts to come in. Do not judge yourself for this. Do not question your focus or concentration. Simply let them go and come back to the mantra "God is love." Breathe in the thought "God is." Breathe out the thought "love." The more nights you try this, the better you'll get at it, the sooner you'll reach a peaceful place and the quicker you'll fall asleep.

Another meditation you may choose to try is a body relaxation technique. Start by focusing your mind on your scalp. Feel as if a hand is caressing your scalp. Feel your scalp getting heavier, and as it does, feel it getting more relaxed. Feel it sinking into the bed. As it sinks in, your scalp gets more and more relaxed. Then move down to your forehead. Do with your forehead what you did with your scalp. Feel your forehead getting heavier and more and more relaxed. Feel it sinking deeper into the bed. Continue to go down your body, from top to bottom: scalp, forehead, cheeks, chin, throat, neck, shoulders, upper arms, forearms, hands, chest, stomach, upper legs, calves and feet. Spend as much time as you wish on a body part and then move down. Again, intrusive thoughts that have nothing to do with the meditation will pop up. Again, do not judge yourself for this. Use the time that you might have judged yourself to relax, and bring yourself back to the meditation. You do not have to start at the beginning, just from where you left off. If an intrusive thought comes in as you are focusing on your forehead, simply let it go and come back to your forehead.

You may want to start these or any meditations with a prayer. Not so much a learned prayer, although that is fine, but more of a heart-centered prayer. Let your heart be your guide; let it lead your prayer and ask for peace of mind and assistance in the upcoming meditation. Ask your angels, guides, God or whomever you trust to assist you in focusing your mind. Feel this support surround you in its soft embrace.

My friend, it is what your mind focuses on that you will experience. If unending judgmental, critical, fear based thoughts fill your mind then you will experience restlessness, confusion and stress that will have you tossing and turning all night. If you focus on peaceful, calming thoughts you will create a peaceful and calming environment where a good night’s sleep is once again possible.
 

Note:  To read more about forgiveness, you may want to read Chapter Seven Overview: Freedom Through Forgiveness.
 

View larger images of front & back cover 
of the great spiritual / self development book You Have Chosen to Remember: A Journey from Perception to Knowledge, Peace of Mind and Joy by James Blanchard Cisneros.