Topics Include:

Forgiving someone who has passed away.
Making peace with a loved one who has passed away.
Meditation: Forgive someone who has passed away.
Meditation: Making peace with a loved one who has passed away.
 

Ask the Author: Question and Response
 

I have a seven year old son with a man who passed away two years ago. While we were together he was extremely abusive, not as much physical as emotional, and to try to move on, I had to turn myself off inside. I found a lot of things out after he passed away that made me angry and hurt. It has been two years and I am having a hard time getting my life back. How do you forgive someone who isn’t there, and how do you get yourself back? Also, thank you for recommending the other books.

Heidi, Massachusetts, USA

My friend, is your child not still with you even when his physical body is not around? While at work, does not the slightest thought of him bring him immediately back into your heart and mind? Does your child not make you smile or laugh even when he’s not with you? Can not just a momentary thought of him completely brighten and bring comfort to even your darkest and longest nights? Does not just a slight reflection of something he said or did in the past lighten even your heaviest days? Can just the mere mention of his name not completely change your mood? Does not the memory of a special hug embrace you even years after the act?
 
My friend, a relationship does not end with the physical departure of the person. Relationships never end, they simply change forms.  You ask “How do you forgive someone who isn’t there?”. You have not seen this man in two years, yet is he not still with you? And if he is still with you, does not the possibility for forgiveness still also exist? And if the possibility for forgiveness exists where you once believed it did not, doesn’t this make it an opportunity? Is this opportunity to forgive and move forward not, in and of itself, a gift to you and your son? For wouldn’t your son be grateful that his mother can now have the ability to get her life back. And, if this man is available for you to forgive him, wouldn’t his final act not turn from one of emotional abuse to one of emotional freedom?
 
I understand you already have my book, but still, I don’t believe a question is ever really asked by or for one individual. Thus allow me to retell a story from You Have Chosen to Remember that might allow those many others, who will one day choose to look for and find this particular question, some background information on my personal development through such a situation.

 
"Making Peace with a Loved One Who has Passed On" (p. 306):

My grandmother, as I had mentioned before, had always been more of a father figure than a mother figure to me. She had a very strong personality.  Her personal relationship with me, my brother and mother was that of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.  Her tongue was sharper than any knife, and she had an absolute inability to ever say that she was wrong. I never, in my 34 years of life with her, heard her say she was sorry.  I grew up with my grandmother, mother and brother living together. Although she seemed to care for us, it was a very physically, verbally and emotionally abusive environment to grow up in.  I don’t think she ever realized how much she mentally crushed us every time she verbally, emotionally and physically attacked us. 
 
My grandmother, before she past away, had been very sick for about a year and a half.  Although we had nurses for 24-hour care, our family also took turns sleeping in her bedroom.  My night was Wednesdays, and as soon as I was given Wednesday night, I felt that was the night she would choose to go.  So for a year and a half we took turns sleeping over. 
 
On the night of March 20, 2001, we all felt the time of her passing was near.  Then again, with my grandmother, you never knew.  Most of the family visited that day, and by 11 p.m. most of the family had gone home.  The nurses and I were in her bedroom and my Aunt Cari was in the kitchen. At 11:30 p.m. I decided to go to sleep so I put the Lazy Boy chair next to my grandmother’s bed.  My body faced her body.  I had left a couple of feet between the Lazy Boy and her bed so that the nurses could get next to her if they needed to do so.
 
I began to meditate.  I prayed, three Our Fathers and three Hail Mary’s. I then mentally invited my guides into the room, and then invited, one by one, Mother Mary, Jesus and the Holy Spirit.  Next, I invited my grandmother’s guides and family members she knew who were on the other side. I asked them all to join us and filled the room with love and light.  The feeling in the room was great. I literally felt as if I wore a one-foot-thick coat of peace and love from my waist up.  I then asked them to help end my grandmother’s suffering and take her home.  A few moments after my request the nurse tapped me on the shoulder and told me that my grandmother had opened her eyes once, closed them, and had finally passed on.  It was 12:10 a.m.  As soon as I got up from the Lazy Boy to see my grandmother, my Aunt Cari ran into the room. She was very upset, and a little panicked. Although now completely out of the meditative state, I could still feel that one foot thick layer coating my upper body and head.  I immediately calmed my aunt down and told her that my grandmother, her mother, was finally at peace.  She calmed down pretty quickly and began to make phone calls. I later asked her how she knew that Mamina, my grandmother had passed away if no one had told her. She said that Mamina had come to the kitchen in spirit form seconds before she passed to tell her that she was now leaving.  By the time she ran into the room, my grandmother had passed on.  Once the family began arriving at the house, I openly shared with them my experience and it seemed to bring them peace, especially to my uncle, my grandmother’s only son, who had always been extremely close to her.
 
Three days after her death, I went into meditation and quickly found myself out of my body, being taken to a room. I say taken because many times when you’re out of your body, you are taken by the hand or hips by a guide to different places.  In this room, there was a simple wooden table and two chairs.  In one of the chairs, there sat my grandmother.  I saw her, and sat down on the opposite chair.  I was not amazed that I was there with her, for I knew that this would happen sooner or later. But I was shocked at how she started our conversation.  She looked at me and began to talk. “I’m sorry” were her first words to me.  These two simple words carried so much weight that just hearing them from her helped me release a lot of feelings I had suppressed. Considering myself a spiritual being, I had made myself believe that these two words were really not necessary for me to hear from her. I absolutely felt that I was above needing to hear those two words.  But I now know that I was completely wrong.  For those two little words allowed me to free myself from a lot of the hidden pain and anger that I thought I was above feeling, but that I now know I still retained toward her.  In the spirit world, a small phrase like I’m sorry is not so much two words that express regret.  In that space, those words can carry with them a massive thought form of many of the reasons why you are sorry and it was this that I felt.  With those two first words, the past was truly forgiven, and with true forgiveness came an absolute release, an absolute letting go of thoughts and emotions I had once thought I had already dealt with but had simply hidden away from my awareness.  I’m sorry - no other two words could have offered me so much freedom when it came to my relationship with my grandmother.  There was an immediate acceptance on my part, and we were then free to continue our relationship on a much deeper and meaningful level. >> View / Add Comments in Forum on Making Peace with a Loved One Who has Passed On.

Meditation: Obtaining Peace with a Loved One Who has Passed On

A relationship need not end with the physical passing of a loved one. The relationship can consciously continue even after death. The relationship can continue and peace can be found. All relationships are as eternal as the souls that fueled them. It is simply your free will to decide how conscious you choose to be during its transformation and development. If you truly desire peace with a loved one who has passed away, then you will achieve peace.  
 
My friend, if you hold pain, anger, regret or sadness in any form toward someone who has passed on, will you not allow yourself the possibility that you can also achieve their opposite? Love is eternal and it is eternally available. Forgiveness is eternal and it is eternally available. If your pain, anger, regret or sadness has survived even this man's passing, will you not allow yourself the possibility of believing that love and forgiveness can also survive? The ego might have convinced you that in this world, such a deed would be impossible to accomplish. I will remind your heart, and your heart will remember, that there is nothing more gratifying or rewarding. There is nothing more fulfilling, and there is nothing more beautiful and liberating.
 
I will now suggest a meditation that will offer you the possibility for peace. My friend, angels and guides are at your beck and call, and you simply need to invite them to assist you, and they will, with honor and pleasure, heed your call. You might have previously believed that obtaining peace with this man or woman was impossible. I will now offer you the opposite of what has brought you pain, anger, regret and sadness. You have allowed pain, anger, regret and sadness to exist even after death. Will you not, for a moment, open your mind and allow the possibility that love and forgiveness can also survive and replace such emotions even after death? Offer the person who has passed away one honest moment of forgiveness, and in return you will obtain an eternity of freedom, peace of mind and joy.
 
If, for whatever reason, you do not have an experience that first night, do not judge or criticize yourself. Simply keep trying until you achieve or receive peace in regard to what you are trying to accomplish. Be open, for peace may arrive in many forms. Do not concern yourself with the form or with achieving or receiving a specific type of experience, but simply invite and be open to receiving peace. Peace will be offered, and soon you will experience a shift.

Meditation: Obtaining Peace with a Loved One Who has Passed On

• Before going to bed, sit on a chair next to or near your bed. Make sure that you will not be disturbed. Take the phone off the hook if you need to.
   

• Take a few minutes to focus on deep slow breaths. With each intake, feel light coming in and filling your body.  With each breath out, feel the stresses of the day being released.
   

• Breathe normally. Concentrate on the top of your head. Fill it with light and feel it getting heavier and more relaxed.  Then do the same with your forehead, eyebrows, cheeks and chin. Feel those parts of your body filling with light and getting heavier and more relaxed.
   

• Next, do the same and spend a little time with your neck, shoulders, chest, back, stomach, thighs, calves and feet. Fill them with light and feel them getting heavier and more relaxed.
   

• Say a few prayers; any prayer is fine, especially ones that come directly from your heart.
   

• Invite your guides (you need not know who they are) or any self-actualized being you would feel comfortable and comforted by. See them with you. Feel their love for you embrace and protect you.  In your mind, envision yourself with them in a beautiful room completely filled with love and light. They are all here to support you. To help you move past any self-limiting thoughts you might be grasping on to.
   

• Bring forward whatever problem that you are worried about. Speak from your heart.  Ask for guidance in regard to the issue you are dealing with.  Be open to receiving guidance, be it through dreams, visions, thoughts or other means.  
   

• Invite that man who you have not seen in a couple of years to now join all of you in this room.  Do not be afraid to do so. You are so protected, loved and supported that it is now the right time.  In these past two years, your brother has grown and developed into a more loving and peaceful being.  Trust me when I say that your effort is immensely appreciated by him.  For this will also help him move forward.
   

• With everyone there, speak from your heart. Tell this man everything you need to tell him. It is now time to say whatever it is you have been holding within.  Do not be afraid to say or feel whatever it is you need to say or feel.  He will listen. He will now better understand. He supports you in freeing yourself from these thoughts and emotions, for he now knows that as you free yourself, you also free him.
   

• After you have had your say, spend some time listening. Listen to him now apologize for all he has done.  Feel him truly mean all the words he is saying.  Feel him, truly and deeply from his heart apologizing to you and to your child. Listen to him asking for forgiveness. Feel his deep desire for forgiveness.
   

• My friend, it is now your turn to forgive, to truly let go of all that has chained you to your past.  With all your heart and mind, forgive this man for his errors.  Feel the chains breaking from your heart as you forgive all you once felt you could not.  Feel yourself and him now becoming free to move forward in your own lives in peace.  He offers you a smile in gratitude, for his chains are now also broken and dissolving in this light.
   

• This man will continue to work on his development at home (heaven) for now.  Know that from this light, he will now support your efforts to move forward in your life. Know that all your spiritual family, from this light, will also be supporting your development. 
   

• Have faith that you have been heard, that what you have experienced is real, and that your life will now begin to change because of this brave effort.
   

• Offer gratitude for the time you have spent in this peaceful place with your guides and friends.  Offer thanks for their assistance with this issue. Understand that you have an open invitation to come into this light with any issue that you may have.
   

• Be silent for a while.  Feel the light that surrounds you.  Feel the peace, gratitude and love that surrounds you.
   

• Slowly begin to move your hands and feet. Begin to move the rest of your body.  Open your eyes. Go to bed.  Sleep.

This invitation will work.  This invitation will bring you more peace with regard to whatever issue you bring to light.  Trust, speak from the heart, listen, and be open - nothing more is asked of you.  You may do this invitation as many nights as you wish.  The more you do it, the more connected you will feel.  The more you bring problems and issues to the light, the easier they will be for you to see, work on, and resolve. The more you bring problems and issues to light, the less you will worry about them during the day and the more peace you will experience. The more you bring problems and issues to light, the more you’ll feel connected to this light; the more gratitude offered and the more grateful you will feel.
 

Note:  To read more about forgiveness, you may want to read Chapter Seven Overview: Freedom Through Forgiveness.
 

View larger images of front & back cover 
of the great spiritual / self development book You Have Chosen to Remember: A Journey from Perception to Knowledge, Peace of Mind and Joy by James Blanchard Cisneros.