Topics Include: Feeling lost Attracting Abusive Relationships

Ask the Author: Question and Response

I'm lost...I'm a total failure in my life...I don't even know where to start...I know I have done something wrong and that is why I'm being punished. After 2 short marriages, I was heart broken. I had only lived with my first ex husband for 6 months. He was controlling and abusive so I left him. I got remarried, and got divorced after 4 weeks of marriage. He was too very controlling, abusive and demanding. I was left once again alone. This current relationship is a married friend. He showed lots of support! He approached me for a relationship. I don't know why, but I gave in. Initially it was all rosy and beautiful. Slowly it got more one sided. Seemed he did not need me, and I became more dependent on him. I lived my life independently for 8 years before that. Initially, it felt good to have someone take care of my stuff and not worry about it. Big mistake! I wanted out. He would not allow me to do so. I got cut off from all friends and family due to keeping secret about the relationship. He continued to abuse my goodwill. He started taking my paychecks to invest in his businesses. I thought he would be fair and I would keep my share. Not true. I still did not realize that this was not a healthy relationship and I needed to be out. Several times I said so but never acted on it...I got pregnant and now have a 2 year old son. He is not supporting him at all. He does not want anyone to know that he is his. I can not even go out and buy my business clothes, as if they are expensive he would make me return them. He takes all my money and he would call many times while I am working to transfer money to him. He bought a house in my name. I pay for the mortgage and they live in the house. I'm feeling very upset and angry. I don't know why I allow myself to be robbed by him over and over. Why do I feel afraid to live by myself? To do that, do I have to leave my job as we live in the same area? I have no friends that I can talk to. I don't even know why I ever got involved with him. I don't know where to begin to clean up this mess. I don't know what to do. I feel miserable. Hope you have something to say to help me. A few good words will help me as I don't even get that.

- Anonymous

My friend, first of all understand and know wholeheartedly that you have a friend in me. A friend that is and will hold you and your son in his prayers. Also understand, as you had the strength and power to bring me into your life, so too are many others awaiting to hear you call them. My dear friend, there are so many awaiting to assist you and your son, that if you but knew their numbers you would fall to your knees in appreciation of God’s love and mercy. You simply need but try, as you tried to reach me and I heard your call; so too is your effort the only thing that God asks to send His many servants to your door.

1. Allow me to share with you with utmost certainty the following: you are not, as you say, “a total failure in your life.” What you are is simply lost. No one who is lost is a failure. They simply don’t know where they are. They know their final destination; they just simply don’t know how to get there. Deep down you know your final destination. Your final destination is achieving the state of peace of mind and joy in your life. You are now lost, not because there is something wrong with you, but because you have been given the wrong directions. These directions are simply a representation of the thought system you are currently supporting.

2. Accept responsibility for your life. What does that mean? Look at the constant in your relationships, both your two marriages and this current relationship were and are with the same type of men. Really the same type of relationship being repeated over and over again. The first one was, as you say, “controlling and abusive so I left him.” The second one “was too very controlling and abusive and demanding.” This one is equally controlling (He takes all my money) and abusive (wanted out of this but he would not allow me to do so). Taking responsibility for these choices is not a bad thing, it’s a very good thing. Why? Because by looking within and taking responsibility for your choices you start taking your power back! You start realizing that this relationship is still going on because you are continuing to support it. This is also a good thing to realize, because this increases your power in the relationship, because this relationship can not exist without your assistance. Believe it or not, there is a big difference in supporting the idea that ‘he is not letting go’ versus supporting the idea that ‘this relationship is being kept alive by my decision to stay in it’.

3. You need to share your story. You are not alone. Many women have gone through what you are going through, and many women have successfully left these kinds of relationships before. You need to find support groups of these types of women. You have been brainwashed into supporting the belief system that supports this type of relationship. The best people who can help you here are those who have gone through what you are going through, and trust me my friend, many have. Look for support groups in your area. Look for them on the Internet. Look for support groups who help abused women. You might or might not consider yourself abused, that does not matter. Put labels aside for now and for your sake, look into your child’s eyes and find the strength to get the help and support you need. Search websites for help with controlling and abusive men and husbands. You start rebuilding your self esteem by sharing your story with women in support groups who have gone, and are going through this. By sharing, you start taking away the false belief that your behavior is shameful, and you start using your experience to help others and understand yourself better. This helps build self confidence.

4. Find a therapist you can talk to. I can not over-emphasize the importance of this. If you can’t afford one, there again may be governmental agencies or non-profit agencies that will help you find one. Again, this may be something that you may see as taboo, once again for the sake of your child put taboos aside and seek someone you can talk to who will help you rebuild your self-esteem. Right now, regardless if you’re making “six figures” your self-esteem is on the floor. This is one reason why you fear being alone. Also, people with low self esteem use as an excuse, unconscious as it may be, that they are not worthy of being helped and thus never get help.

5. Reconnect with a special friend or family member. You need to bring your friends and family back into your life. Maybe not all at the same time, start with one or two that you feel will understand you best. If you need to take the first, second and third step to reopen these relationships then do so.

6. Invite God back into your life and ask Him for strength. You mentioned “I know I have done something wrong and that is why I'm being punished.” My dear friend, is someone who is lost wrong for walking down the incorrect road? No, they are not! Do they deserve to be punished for walking down the incorrect road? Of course not! My friend if you would not judge someone who is lost, do you not think that God is as wise? You are not being punished. You have simply been given bad directions (your current belief system) and are thus now simply lost. God loves you unconditionally. He is within you now simply waiting for you to call Him, for you to once again decide to lean on Him. My dear friend, you might feel that you are alone, but the truth is that not even in your darkest and loneliest nights were you ever alone. Simply, for just one honest moment focus on His love for you and you will feel it.

7. Work on understanding your mind - on why you support your current belief system. You can start doing this now or you can start doing this later, the choice is yours. But know this, you will, regardless of how scared you are now, choose to work on yourself. For sooner or later there will come a time when you must say “Enough is enough. There has got to be a better way.” You can start healing right now or you can start healing later, but know this, the choice is yours. You hold this power. Even if you just take a few small steps every day, they will be steps in the right direction. You can hold a simple conversation with a friend, family member, support group, Internet group or therapist. You can go to the public library and borrow self help books. There are many things you can do to begin the rebuilding process. For the stronger your self esteem, the less you will allow this man to treat you in this fashion. The stronger your self-esteem, the less worried you will be of being alone, the less afraid you will be to live by yourself.

8. Find a lawyer, even one who works for free. You can find one through your new support groups, Internet, non profit groups or many other ways. Ask what legal actions you can take regarding your house. If you have to declare bankruptcy, do it and stop paying the mortgage on this house or ask how you can kick this guy out of your house. Ask about restraining orders where he can not get in touch with you physically or through the phone. These may all sound like very big steps for you, I understand. Ask God to bring people into your life who will assist you in this effort, ask and they will in one way or another hear your call.

9. Take your power back. Do not, in your mind, make this about him or his wife. For believe it or not, this is not really about them. They are simply a result, a physical manifestation of your belief system. As your belief about yourself changes, so too will the people around you change. Make it about you. Make it about finding ways to improve yourself. Make it about ways to find your true-self, that person within you that desires to be a more self reliant mother for her child.

10. Single mothers succeed every day in this world. You say this man “is not supporting him (your two year old son) at all. He does not want anyone in the community to know that he is his.” I say, with an open and honest heart, your son does not need this man. I say, that you and your son are better off without him in your lives. I was raised by a single mother and turned out just fine, and so can your son. As your self-esteem grows, so too will the number and quality of the people that surround you and your son, and he will then have male figures, family members and friends around him that will also support his growth and development.

Once again my friend, listen carefully, you are not alone. Invite God with all your heart and soul back into you life. Feel Him flowing through you, ask Him and He will. Ask God and call upon His servants to lift you and your son up and they will joyfully heed your call. Do not be afraid, for my friend there is nothing to be afraid of. Know deep within your heart and soul that God loves you and your son unconditionally. My dearest friend, if you have any trouble believing me when I say that God loves you unconditionally, then allow me to hold this belief for you, until the day comes when you are strong enough to hold this belief for yourself and your son.

For my friend the day is coming, the day is coming soon.
 

   

View larger images of front & back cover 
of the great spiritual / self development book You Have Chosen to Remember: A Journey from Perception to Knowledge, Peace of Mind and Joy by James Blanchard Cisneros.